niels bohr is rolling in his grave
by The Official Canadian Teabag
Summary: Lovino and Antonio have a sexy Skype call. At least, sexy by any scientist's standards. Part of the Talk Dirty to Me collection.


" _Hi, Lovi_ ," Antonio purred. " _I'm here._ "

"Oh, God, not this," groaned Lovino.

" _Are you by chance in the mood for_ ," Antonio said in a low, sensual voice. " _a little foolin' around?"_

"Antonio, it's one in the morning."

" _The witching hour_ ," said Antonio seductively. " _Perfect_."

"The witching hour is at midnight, you buffoon," said Lovino. "You're an hour late."

" _The witching hour_ ," continued Antonio as if Lovino hadn't said anything. " _occult professionals say is the time when sexuality and feelings of lust are thought to appear at their most powerful states_."

"Sounds fake, but okay," said Lovino. "So you're an occult professional _and_ a scientist, okay. Aren't they called _occultists_?"

" _Lovino, you're ruining my zen_ ," chided Antonio. " _I'm sending you all kinds of messages right now, specifically messages that contain sexual connotations. Are you feeling them?"_

"Of course," said Lovino, playing along. "I'm feeling them so hard right now."

" _Perfect. Now, before we get started, are you completely alone right now?"_

"Antonio, you know damn well there are only two people who have a key to my apartment and one of them is you."

" _Shh, Lovino, answer the question, yes or no_."

"Yes."

" _Oh, good. Then we are ready to begin_." On the screen, Antonio rested his chin on his fist and his eyes fell half-mast in the way that drove Lovino _batshit insane_ with how hot he looked. " _Sweetheart, you are looking positively radiant tonight_."

Lovino didn't bat an eye. He'd heard this thousands of times. "Oh yeah?"

" _Oh yeah. One might even say that I must be a diamond_." Antonio was purring again. " _Because you're giving me a hardness of ten_."

Lovino rolled his eyes and covered his face to hide his smile. "Oh, jeez. Here we go."

" _You are phenomenal_ ," Antonio carried on. " _Are you related to Alfred Nobel?_ "

Lovino pretended to think about it. "Not that I'm aware of."

" _I was just wondering,_ _because I think you are dynamite_." Antonio winked at him then, and Lovino should find this annoying but he doesn't.

"You're dumb," said Lovino, smiling behind his fist.

" _What's dumb is how much you are made up of copper and tellurium_." Antonio waggled his eyebrows. " _C-u-T-e_."

Lovino looked amused. "If you keep this up, I'm going to fondle your vesicles."

" _Ooh_ ," cooed Antonio, his eyes lighting up. " _Maybe I like that._ _Maybe I'm into that. Mmm, Lovino, you just continuously prove why men are so much sexier than women_."

"How's that?"

" _You can't spell 'sexy' without 'xy'_."

Lovino made a funny noise; it sounded like he was exhaling quickly through his nose. That was his method of laughing without actually laughing. "Damn straight," he said, locking his eyes with Antonio.

" _You're polarizing my bond, Lovino, you're polarizing my bond_." Antonio tilted his head a little to the right, causing his bangs to fall slightly over his eyes. Whether that was an intentional move or not, Lovino thought he looked sexy. A pen, one that appeared seemingly from nowhere, found its way between his teeth, and he smiled deliciously. " _You make my valence electrons jump into an excited state._ "

"Want to do some math?" Lovino asked. "I'll subtract your clothes."

" _And I'll divide your legs_ ," replied Antonio.

"Ooh," said Lovino. "Do you say that to all the elements on the periodic table?"

" _No_ ," said Antonio, pointing the pen at Lovino. " _Just U_."

"Wow," laughed Lovino, breaking character. "Was that a fucking pun?"

Antonio broke character as well, his eyes looking off into space as he thought about it. " _Oh, my gosh,"_ he laughed. " _I didn't even think about that_. _"_

"Wow," repeated Lovino. "Skill."

" _No kidding_ ," agreed Antonio. His head tilted again, and Lovino watched his boyfriend's eyes trail over his face. " _I miss you,"_ said Antonio seriously _._

"I miss you, t—"

" _I miss you like Heisenberg misses a particle's momentum_ ," said Antonio. " _Or position_."

Lovino rolled his eyes again. "How romantic. Thanks for playing with my feelings."

Antonio grinned. " _I love playing with you all day_." His grin turned flirty. " _And I love playing with you all night_ ," he said huskily. To top it off, he licked his lips alluringly.

This time Lovino actually laughed. "Oh, God, don't do that, I'm cringing, you're making me cringe so hard right now."

" _You're so mean to me,"_ whined Antonio _._

"Like mean, median, and mode? Then yes," said Lovino.

Antonio looked at him and paused. " _You're the average of my heart_ ," he said.

"I'll calculate and divide your sums," said Lovino.

Antonio made a vaguely sexual, guttural noise. " _I love it when you talk dirty to me_ ," he moaned.

"I'll bet you know a thing or two about quantum mechanics, because I want to Fock you."

Lovino waited for a response. Instead, Antonio's face remained seemingly frozen on the screen.

Five seconds ticked by. "Hello?" Ten seconds. "Honey?"

Nothing.

His phone rang. He picked it up. "Fucking Skype crashed," he laughed. "Did you hear what I said?...—Okay, good. Let's continue here. ...—No, no, we've all got all night."


End file.
